AWESOME JOKE FROM THE EMAIL BAG~
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet
rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender
who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she
seductively signals that he should bring his face
closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently
caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she
asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
Actually, No," the man replies. "Can you get him for
me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair. Can't,"
breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there
anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give
him a message," she continues, running her forefinger
across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple
of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck
them gently. What should I tell him?" the bartender
manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no
toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the
ladies room."
Women and thier wiley ways!
Here's, yet another, example of that:
One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "Why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress
replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it
~Another one from the email bag
Sunday, April 11
A Hearwarming Story I stumbled across. . . .
The Legend of Buck Bunny
(As told by John Burridge, complete with spastic gestures, bugged out eyes, and evil giggles.)
Once upon a time, 1988 to be exact, there was a college, Reed College in fact. And at this college there were some students who lived in a house called The Motel 6. Near by there was a Safeway, and in this Safeway, around Easter Time, there were boxes and boxes and boxes of chocolate Easter Bunnies.
One day, I was walking in the Safeway, and one of the bunnies caught my eye. It was Buck Bunny, and on the outside of Buck's box was a story. The story was bad; the story was tacky; the story was a collection of bad puns; and finally, the story was an artless rip off of Star Wars, Buck Rodgers, and World War II anti-German propaganda. "Oh my God," I said to myself, "This chocolate space bunny is so tacky, there's only one possible response: Into the microwave with you, Buck!"
And so I popped Buck Bunny into my shopping cart and scampered off to the Motel 6 with him and the rest of my groceries (Pop Tarts, Cheerioes, and 2% Milk, for those of you who have forgotten). We placed Buck into his own special little nitch in the cabinet (above the Microwave), and for two weeks we would remind Buck of his impending Doom on Easter Morning.
Easter Morning dawned. At the crack of noon we got up and stumbled about. We unwrapped Buck from his box, placed him in a bowl, and put him into the Microwave. Now, this was a in the late '80's before Microwaves were made fancy with internal turn tables and safety meshes across the glass doors. So you could see right into the window (and probably get a tan, too) while your food was beamed with microwaves.
We closed the door, dialed a time setting, and gathered around the window. Buck Bunny stood bravely. The microwave bell dinged. "This is sick," someone said, and continued "Do it some more." We gave him ten more seconds.
Nothing happened.
We twisted the timer as far as we could. The microwave fan blew and the megatron tube hummed and Buck Bunny stood there not melting. "Huh," I said, "I don't think anything is going to happen." About this time a sheen of moisture appeared on Buck's brown brow. "Oh, wait," someone said, "Something's happening."
Suddenly, with a quick thwuck Buck Bunny's little candy eyes fell backwards into his head and there were these little blank eye sockets staring out at us! And WE ALL WENT: "EEEEEEUWWW!!!!!!"
And then with a glorp Buck Bunny collapsed in on himself into a chocolate puddle.
We pulled him out of the Microwave, and there were his little candy eyes looking up at us.
We had a fruit fondue with bananas, oranges, and apples. For the rest of the afternoon we were spastic from the chocolate.
The End
(Or IS IT?)
~Sounds like my kind of party
The Legend of Buck Bunny
(As told by John Burridge, complete with spastic gestures, bugged out eyes, and evil giggles.)
Once upon a time, 1988 to be exact, there was a college, Reed College in fact. And at this college there were some students who lived in a house called The Motel 6. Near by there was a Safeway, and in this Safeway, around Easter Time, there were boxes and boxes and boxes of chocolate Easter Bunnies.
One day, I was walking in the Safeway, and one of the bunnies caught my eye. It was Buck Bunny, and on the outside of Buck's box was a story. The story was bad; the story was tacky; the story was a collection of bad puns; and finally, the story was an artless rip off of Star Wars, Buck Rodgers, and World War II anti-German propaganda. "Oh my God," I said to myself, "This chocolate space bunny is so tacky, there's only one possible response: Into the microwave with you, Buck!"
And so I popped Buck Bunny into my shopping cart and scampered off to the Motel 6 with him and the rest of my groceries (Pop Tarts, Cheerioes, and 2% Milk, for those of you who have forgotten). We placed Buck into his own special little nitch in the cabinet (above the Microwave), and for two weeks we would remind Buck of his impending Doom on Easter Morning.
Easter Morning dawned. At the crack of noon we got up and stumbled about. We unwrapped Buck from his box, placed him in a bowl, and put him into the Microwave. Now, this was a in the late '80's before Microwaves were made fancy with internal turn tables and safety meshes across the glass doors. So you could see right into the window (and probably get a tan, too) while your food was beamed with microwaves.
We closed the door, dialed a time setting, and gathered around the window. Buck Bunny stood bravely. The microwave bell dinged. "This is sick," someone said, and continued "Do it some more." We gave him ten more seconds.
Nothing happened.
We twisted the timer as far as we could. The microwave fan blew and the megatron tube hummed and Buck Bunny stood there not melting. "Huh," I said, "I don't think anything is going to happen." About this time a sheen of moisture appeared on Buck's brown brow. "Oh, wait," someone said, "Something's happening."
Suddenly, with a quick thwuck Buck Bunny's little candy eyes fell backwards into his head and there were these little blank eye sockets staring out at us! And WE ALL WENT: "EEEEEEUWWW!!!!!!"
And then with a glorp Buck Bunny collapsed in on himself into a chocolate puddle.
We pulled him out of the Microwave, and there were his little candy eyes looking up at us.
We had a fruit fondue with bananas, oranges, and apples. For the rest of the afternoon we were spastic from the chocolate.
The End
(Or IS IT?)
~Sounds like my kind of party
Questions that really need answers...
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? they're both dogs!
9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
14. Stop singing and read on..........
15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
~Out of the email bag,
Thanks Flipper!
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? they're both dogs!
9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
14. Stop singing and read on..........
15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
~Out of the email bag,
Thanks Flipper!
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